It took me 55 years to discover exactly what it was about myself that made me unique. Though there are probably lots of things, the one thing that is the biggest blessing along with the biggest curse is being an empath.
My first vivid memory of taking on the roll of empath was when they replaced our refrigerator when I was about 5 yrs. old. I hid in the bathroom, sobbing, because I couldn’t imagine that refrigerator going somewhere – being alone – being afraid.
My second childhood memory was when my Dad shared a bedtime conversation with me about how he grew up and didn’t have the luxury of going to the refrigerator for a glass of milk whenever he wanted. They were poor. He ate a lot of potatoes. I remember him leaving my room and me laying in bed sobbing. I could feel exactly what he went through. We joke about it today how he always had such sweet “bedtime stories”. LOL
As a young adult, I remember crying in airports. I would see people saying goodbye and could literally feel the pain and couldn’t help the tears flowing out of myself – this went on for many, many years.
To this day, I feel the pain of others, both emotional and physical. I don’t just feel it, I take it on. I absorb it. I carry it with me. I lock it in a vault that I never knew existed.
Being an empath allowed me to grow into the person I am today. I’ve accomplished so much with limitations most don’t know about.
I’ve made major mistakes and experienced great victories, all while carrying the burdens of others.
When my Mom died, I grieved more for my Dad than I did for myself. I remember being curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor sobbing, as my husband’s tears hit my bare back. What I didn’t realize at the time, was I was grieving more for my Dad than myself. HIS loss. HIS pain. The pain of my family.
It was shortly thereafter that I really stopped showing much emotion at all. I rarely cry, and if I do, it comes from somewhere in that vault of mine. I’m not your typical girl that cries at the drop of a hat and tease people who do. I just don’t do it.
The older I get, the stronger it gets. I can feel random emotions from people I know across the country. It’s a little freaky. It’s especially difficult with the bombardment of social media posts. The sick, the hurting, the loss, the pain of everyone around us.
Additionally, large crowds are especially draining for me. Everyone has their own emotional vibration and I feel it all. Good and bad.
What I recently discovered was the level of energies I have been carrying from the past. Especially the past year.
It finally came crashing down on me. The vault is full. There’s simply no more room to store the pain, the hurt and the uncertainties.
Here starts the journey to begin again, cleaning out the cobwebs that have suffocated me.
As I lay in bed today, I realize I’ve been spending too much time looking in the rearview mirror. The what if’s. The why nots. The damn its. The WTF was I thinkings. The what could I have done betters. The emotions have flooded through me like a tidal wave, crippling every ounce of my energy. My brain hurts. My bones hurt. My heart hurts.
I know it’s time to clear it out. All the burdens I’ve carried, all the people I’ve hurt, and all the people who’ve hurt me. Today, I will shut down. Turn off the lights. Close my door. Sleep. Pray.
It’s time to free up the space for all the new souls waiting for me. Waiting for me to see them, hear them, feel them, and love them with the gift God gave me. Not because I want to, but because I know he chose me for the task.
It’s a blessing AND a curse.
But it’s my journey.
“Be brave, be kind, be bold, be fierce, be YOU”