“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown”. – H.P. Lovecraft

Is that ever an understatement…

It’s been just over ten weeks since I was diagnosed with Carcinoid Cancer.  Ten weeks has felt like ten months already.  I’m realizing, more than ever, that this is my life, whether I like it or not, and I need to use the weapons in my arsenal every single day to fight the Zebra.

I feel as though I go-go-go, almost in an effort to prove to myself that nothing is wrong in my physical world, then completely crash.  This isn’t really new to me, as it’s been my pattern for many years.  Lately, as I’ve busied myself cleaning closets, drawers, cupboards, organized my office or obsessed over my white towels – I realize the motivation behind it is because these are the only things I have “control” over.

Whoever thought it was a good idea to give a control-freak a cancer diagnosis was just waiting for the circus to start and some days I feel like I’m not only “in” the circus, but I’m the FREAK SHOW OF FEAR.

When I finally realize I’m back on the hamster wheel of fear, I remind myself to LET GO AND LET GOD.

I KNOW I’m not in control.  I never was in control and never will be.

I realize God’s power is limitless.  He never promised we would not have difficulties, but he did promise us STRENGTH for every battle and He promised to take what was meant for harm and use it to our advantage. 

Mark 9:32:  Everything is possible for him who believes. 

Overall, I feel good most days.  The heat has been difficult, as we have had some of Arizona’s hottest temps in over 40 years.  But it’s a dry heat – LOL.

My appointments at MD Anderson have finally tapered off and I’m cleared for surgery this Thursday, Aug. 29th.  My sister flies in tonight for three weeks and I truly welcome the visit.  I know my husband will be super supportive, like he’s been, but there’s nothing like your big sister to make you feel good.  I’m so blessed to have four sisters who love me. 🙂

From what I understand, my surgery is considered major.  I’ll have 1/2 my small intestine removed as well as a foot or more of my right colon and any surrounding areas that are suspicious, as this is where my “primary” tumor has been living.  My surgeon will then do an internal ultrasound of the liver and take a “peek” around.  The goal after recovery is to administer “targeted chemo” directly to the liver to shrink the mass in hopes he can then remove the right lobe.  This journey will likely take months, as it requires several smaller procedures before I would be able to undergo the surgery.

To be completely honest, I’m scared.  I truly am – not gonna lie.  The greatest reason for my fear is having a “Carcinoid Crisis” during the operation.  This is a serious, life-threatening situation – so I guess, in a nutshell, I fear I’ll die on the table.  Simply put, I’m not ready to die.  I have so much to live for.

But then I remind myself – we’re all dying.  If I live, I’ll give God my praise.  If I die, I’ll give God my praise.  So for now, I’ll trust.  Be still.  I’ll carry myself with quiet confidence.  I’ll remember God controls the Universe.  HE has a hedge of  protection around me and nothing can happen without his permission.

As for the pain of surgery, while I’m not looking forward to it, I know it’s survivable.  I know I’ll recover and eventually get back to a normal daily life.  Once that happens, since the “primary” tumor will have been removed, my Carcinoid Syndrome should improve some.  The flushing is the greatest symptom and is very uncomfortable when it happens.

I’ve been spending much time in meditation and prayer.  I sleep with an 8-hour running loop of healing affirmations that are getting into my spirit.  I try to stay off the Support Groups on Facebook, because it seems many have lost hope.  Many are so focused on their dis-eases, they are not capable of seeing and feeling the joy around them.

I spend a lot of time with my husband, who not only reminds me to stay positive, but he makes me laugh every day.  He is God’s reminder to me that miracles are possible.  To think I could have been going through this ALONE.  Even worse, having Kirk walk beside me out of guilt.  But NO.  God made sure our marriage was healed and all the shattered pieces of our hearts stitched back up.  God is so good.  ALWAYS.

So for now, I’ll lean in to Psalm 34:4 – I sought the LORD and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. 

When we stay in peace – we’re showing God we trust Him.

I know so many of you have your own fears you’re struggling with.  Fear of your own health issues or those of a loved one.  Fear of the unknown, whether it be financially, having troubled teens, your marriages, your jobs.  The list goes on and on.

WE ALL have a purpose on this earth.  I believe my greater purpose is to be that girl who can admit she’s scared.  Admit she doubts.  Admit she sins … but hold up her head and TRUST, all the while encouraging YOU to walk in strength, with FAITH, HOPE and LOVE.

NEVER FORGET …

God has the final say in every single detail of our lives, so why don’t we agree that I’ll pray for you, you’ll pray for me, and we’ll move forward with more FAITH than FEAR, not knowing what the future holds, but knowing the one who does.

Much love – Jules